Practicing Vulnerability: How Openness Creates Stronger Relationships

Hello, and welcome to Spirit Sherpa, the show that helps and encourages you on your journey to unlock your magic mojo. If you're new to this type of work, we suggest you start with episode one and move your way forward from there. Each episode builds on the last, and you'll have a solid understanding of the spiritual world by the time you get to the end.

If you're further along in your journey, start at episode 98. And if you're ready to step into being a spiritual practitioner or teacher yourself, then episode 200, that's the best place to start for you. So wherever you are in your journey, we're here to help guide you to the next level. With me as always, to share her insights and wisdom, is the spirit doctor, Kelle Sparta.

Hey there, Kelle. Hey, Jules. How you doing? Yeah, me- ... and myself coming back. Hey, you know. Help me. I wish that... Oh, my gosh. You know, I'm all for the cloning thing, 'cause w- as soon as I can clone about 10 of me, girl, I'ma, I'ma be on, on the beach and listening to the waves. No you won't. And it's gonna be wonderful.

I know I won't, 'cause I'm a control freak. But I'll be telling myself what to do. Every one of your clones- And then my s- ... is gonna want 10 more clones. That's what's gonna happen. You know it's true. And then I'm gonna be literally arguing with myself. Yeah. Going, "We know you. We kind of know you. We know how you want things done."

"No you don't. I changed my mind." "Yeah, we know that too."

So then if I clone myself, then how, then do I get cloned higher selves also? 'Cause that's a whole nother argument waiting to happen. Oh my God. Let's, oh, that's just gonna break my brain. Let's just not go there.

Like what? Oh. We got our- Yeah, snorted. Yeah. Yeah, let's just not. Let's not. Let's not and say we didn't. Yeah. That's when my higher self goes, "Stop." Yeah, just, just stop. Just stop. Do not go down the rabbit hole. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Nah. Okay. Yes. So today we're gonna talk about practicing vulnerability to improve your relationships.

Yes. Yes. Which, of course, everybody's going, "Vulnerability, ew, I hate that." Ew. "Ew, no, I don't wanna. Oh." Th- there's no crying in baseball. No, not fucking baseball. It's relationships, and I don't wanna. I don't wanna. That shows weakness. I don't wanna. You, you can't make me. It's true, I can't make me.

So... Oh, man, it's gonna be an episode. Okay. Yeah. So, so first thing, let's talk about vulnerability. Let's define our term, okay? Okay, what is the vulnerability of which you speak? Mm. Well, let's first say what it's not. Okay? Because most of the time when our warrior selves think of vulnerability, we think of, "Here, I'm gonna hand you a knife, stick it to my neck and say, 'Please don't cut me.'"

Right? That's what we think it is. That is not what vulnerability is. I mean, it, it, it could be if you're into that kind of sex play. But, you know, in reality, y- that's not really what you're going for, right? But that's all consenting, so it's, it's, it's pretend vulnerability. It's not real vulnerability.

You're playing a part. It's actual vulnerability if somebody was- Is it? ... gonna cut you, they could. You know? Well, yeah, they could. Yeah. I mean, it's actual vulnerability. But we're not talking about that. I was making a random allusion, and Jules was, like, diving down the road there. That is not the topic.

She's like, "But, but, but we could talk about BDSM." Yes, I could talk about BDSM all day long, but that is not the topic of today's episode, okay? This one's definitely getting an explicit rating. Okay, here we go. So vulnerability, so when we think about this, we think about it being the n- the kn- knife put to our neck, right?

Because in our experience, people are unsafe, and that's how we think of it. W- we don't show our true selves because we don't wanna give people ammunition to hurt us, right? That's our perspective. Now, let me explain to you what holding onto that perspective means. It means that you're telling the universe that you're ordering a world in which you are unsafe, in which people cannot be trusted.

And I know you're gonna say, "No, no, no, no, this is my history." But if you hold onto that history, it becomes your future, okay? Because we set up the belief structures that say, "This is how I believe things to be," and then those are the experiences that we magnetize to us. One of the things that we have to pay attention to is our assumptions, because those assumptions are more powerful than our beliefs, because we don't question assumptions.

We may question our beliefs. We may be called on our beliefs, but our assumptions are at the bottom, base le- level, and the base level assumptions are things that we rarely say out loud, and therefore, we often don't get called on them And therefore they become more powerful than beliefs because they are foundational definitions that we use to operate within the world that don't get questioned.

Can you see how that could be a hugely powerful influence in your life? Yeah. So when we look at vulnerability and we look at our assumption that if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, then someone will use it against us, that assumption says the world is not safe, the people in it are not safe, and I am not safe to share myself.

That limits you in a wide variety of ways, right? The only way to keep myself safe is to not share myself. That's what that says. So I, I'm, I'm taking long pauses here on purpose 'cause I want you to let this sink in 'cause I recognize that this is sort of a brain twister, right? Because we're really looking at an assumptive level thing that is not obvious to most people, right?

You think, well duh, you don't wanna do that. No, not duh. You know, you have to use some discernment about who you choose to be vulnerable with because, yes, there are people on the planet who will use it against you. Yes, that's true. But it doesn't mean that everybody is, and the more, the more you choose to become vulnerable with people who are safe, the more people who are safe to be vulnerable with will show up in your life because you're resonating with that energy, right?

You're doing that work. So a- and, and we will be attracting that or, or manifesting it. Yes. And so, you know, and I, I wanna bring in another piece in here which is that when we're talking about vulnerability, we're not talking about let me give you my deepest, darkest secret that could get me arrested or something, right?

You know, we're not looking for that. What, what we're looking for is intimacy, and the word intimacy can be easily broken into into me you see. Okay? Intimacy is into me you see. Thank you for the Human Awareness Institute for that. I love that definition. It's fantastic. Uh, and into me you see means that I let you see who I really am.

I let you see how I really feel, and that I don't always feel strong, and that I don't always feel awesome, and that I get scared, and that I get- Sad, right? All of these things that we pretend aren't true, okay? And just for the record, for those of you out there going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't..." I feel those things too.

Let me just say that right now. I feel those things too, even now. No one goes through life without those feelings. Everyone has those feelings. I don't care who they are, they all have those feelings. So you are not a s- special snowflake who is the only one who has to be perfect. You are just like everyone else, human, and it's okay to be human.

You do not have to be superhuman, okay? You don't. In fact, the less superhuman you are, the more relatable you become, and the more people like you. I know we think we have to be perfect. We think we do. We think we have to be perfect, and we think we have to do it all, and the problem is, is that when we are perfect, uh, we set the bar too high and everybody's pissed off.

And any, any kid who blew the curve in h- school will tell you that that's true, okay? So The irony is we try to be perfect to be loved, but we're actually more lovable when we're imperfect, which is weird Nobody's perfect. I don't care who you are. It's just not gonna happen. Even me, y'all, even me, and I'm pretty damn close to perfect.

I'm just saying. We had Jason Shulman on, Rabbi Jason Shulman, right? Um, and he came on the, the show, I don't know, couple years ago now, I think. And he did a Kabbalah and Ecstasy, uh, program at Omega Institute in the late '80s, n- no, late '90s. Um, and in it, he had this amazing visualization that basically said, you know, "You're trying to be perfect, but God does not need your perfection.

God is already perfect. The true gift you give to God is your imperfections, because that is the only thing God isn't," right? Which I thought was, ugh, so amazing. And, eh, you know, God is both, but it's a great way to look at it, right? It's a great way to look at it. So I, I love that. The, the thing about vulnerability is that...

And, and ladies, I am talking to you now, okay? Let me be clear. I am talking to you, ladies. I am talking to the superwomen of the world. "I got it. I'm good. I don't need anybody. I am on it. N- nope, I'm good. I'm fine," right? All of it. When you do that to a partner, you leave no room for them to have a purpose in your life You need to let them in.

You need to let them help. You need to take pleasure in them helping. You need to give appreciations for that help, not criticism for it not being done perfectly. Let me be clear. You need to give appreciation for that help, not criticism for it not being done perfectly. I'm going to say it a second time because you need to hear this.

Are the way you would do it. Yes. Well, which is perfectly, right? Yeah. My way, my way or the highway, right? Yeah. I know. I know. I understand, and I understand that it's really hard for you to not do that. Practice, okay? Practice. Practice giving appreciations for what you con- currently consider to be nothing, okay?

Because I promise you it's not nothing. I promise you that the person you're with is working their butt off to get your approval. Practice giving it a little bit. See how it goes. See how you feel. See how they feel. See how much better your relationship becomes, okay? And practice letting them in. Let them know when you're having a crap day.

You know, I've had crap days where I look at my husband and I'm like, "I am in a crap mood. I am gonna do my damnedest to not take it out on you, and I think it would be wise if for the next couple of hours you wandered off and did something else because at the moment I am not in a state to do that," right?

You know, we all have those days where you're like, "Ah, I, I got up on the wrong side of the bed and my hormones are all out of balance, and I just, I wish I had 12 more hours of sleep and..." And I'm just gonna chew on whoever happens to get in my way, right? That's, that's how we go about it because that's, you know, that's our history.

And so, you know, to be conscious and say, "Woohoohoohoo, I am not fit for peopling today," right? Just be like, "I'm taking myself out of the game. I'm a four-year-old. I'm about to have a complete emotional meltdown temper tantrum on the floor. I'm gonna go put myself back to bed," right? I see you recognize this.

Do you remember the story about- Mm-hmm ... about my, my four... Okay, I'm gonna tell everybody in case I hadn't told. I'm gonna tell them myself. Revealing vulnerability. There we go. D- oh, my God. Y'all, when I started dating Mitch, g- I cannot even make this up. I was having a moment. I had a meltdown. I was being the biggest bitch you've ever seen.

I don't even remember why. It was, you know, it was, I was all in my victim. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Me, me, me, me, me. Y'all, I literally got on a, an, in a f- you know, on the floor throwing a temper tantrum. There was probably a lot of alcohol involved, which is never a good idea. But you know. Because, you know, after so many drinks, you're just stupid.

You just are. I, I mean, you know. And, and so my and I was, I remember this. I was on the bathroom floor, and I was sitting there crying, crying, crying. My husband literally said, "Okay then," stepped over me, and went and laid in bed. He was just not having it. And I was like, and then I got pissed at him. And I'm like, "Oh, my God, how dare you not come see me in my moment of need," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And later, we talked about it, and I realized that was the best thing he could have done because I was inconsolable at that moment. You know? I had to, as he says, get my head on straight, which I did the next morning. Profusely apologized, but it's turned into a great story 'cause I'm like, "Yeah, remember that time you just stepped over me?"

Literally. And he w- he was like, "Yeah." He said, "There w- there was no reasoning with you." And so I was just a, you know, in a moment. But yeah, but talk- it, it, it w- so I appreciated him doing that. Hindsight, but I did. Uh, I was at a, a workshop, and I was having one of those moments. I was like, "Oh, I'm four years old right now."

And, and there was more to come in the workshop, and I was not, not prepared. And I just outed myself, and I, I stood up and I, I said, "I'm sorry, but I am currently four years old, and, uh, and if I stay, I'm going to have a complete meltdown because I'm too tired. I need to go put myself to bed and wake up in the morning and be a more reasonable human."

I said, "I just, I can't." And the most wonderful thing happened. This older couple in their 70s looked at me and said, "Would you like us to put you to bed and read you a bedtime story?" And I was like, "Yes." And they did. They came to the bed with me, and they tucked me in, and they told me a story, and they kissed me on the forehead, and then they left the room.

And I went to sleep. It was the most wonderful thing ever. Wait, you didn't know these people from Adam's house, Kat? No. I mean, they were just, they were just random people at the workshop. I love it I mean, it's a personal growth workshop, so you know, you kinda know the people, you know. We're, we were two days into a four-day workshop, but still, I hadn't interacted with them at all except at, like, meals or something.

You know, it's just like, "Hey, how's it going?" You know, nothing. So- Oh my God ... it took some- Yeah, talk about being vulnerable ... courage for me to do this. Jeez. I'm like, yeah. But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't stood up and said, "I need to go to bed." If I hadn't opted out of the space and said, you know, I, I'm, I recognize this pathway for me and it does not go good places.

I need to go to bed, right? Like, I'm, I'm, I'm spent, right? If I had tried to power through, I would have ended up with a very ugly meltdown in the middle of a room full of people that would have been disruptive for them and would have been no use for me. And instead, by taking care of myself and speaking my needs into the room, I got more needs met than I knew I had.

So this is what I'm saying, but you choose your environment, okay? I was in a personal growth workshop where people are conscious, right? Mostly, and there, there are the exceptions. But I was not in a room filled with drunk people, although you might get that response in a room full of drunk people, too. But you know, it's the- Wrong incentive

walls are down. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, but I'm not so sure I'd be happy or safe going to a bedroom with them. So, you know? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Different environment. That's a different thing, right? But you don't say this in a space- Right. You don't, you don't sit around with a bunch of veterans and say, "I'm four years old," right?

Combat veterans. It's probably not your best bet for that. Not that the combat veterans are not my buds. They are. It's just warrior mentality is very different, and you know, it's just not where you do that. So you know, or in any macho space at all, ever, right? What you're doing, though, is you're choosing your environment for this, right?

If you know your parents are not forgiving of your vulnerabilities, you don't do it with them. If you know your partner is not able to be with your vulnerability, you don't do it with them, right? You choose the environments in which you can be safe to share your true self, and ultimately, if your partner is not that person, then it may be time to not be with that partner by the time you're ready to be vulnerable, right?

You pick that partner who can't be vu- with vulnerability because you can't be with vulnerability, right? When you start to open up and learn how to be vulnerable, unless that partner is growing with you, you're gonna outgrow them. That's how that works, okay? Because you picked them because they weren't gonna ask you to be vulnerable, because they can't be with it, right?

And so that was a great per, that was a great person to be with, 'cause matching needs, right? But as your needs have evolved, as you have grown as a person, as you're recognizing the, the wonder and the beauty of, of opening yourself up, now, now you're in a better place, right? So the, the added benefit of opening yourself up is that you discover that letting things out actually makes you stronger.

Vulnerability is not weakness. It is transparency. There's a difference, okay? Being vulnerable means I am sharing who I am with you. I am not being weak. I am who I am, right? If I'm feeling weak, it's because I'm feeling weak. It's not because I'm being vulnerable. The vulnerability is simply making the feeling apparent to others.

And when you're feeling weak, if you're not hanging out with people who abuse you, and you open up and say, "Hey, I'm feeling weak," then gee, you know, there might actually be help, and useful help, and support, emotional support even, things that we've never had, right? But you don't get those things unless you tell people you need them, okay?

And using discernment as to which people that you decide to share this with. So there, uh, to me, there's still ha- there has to be a level of trust there, that they're not one of those people who's going to use it against you kind of thingy. They, the person who's on the receiving end has to be in a position where they can hear it, where they can receive it.

So this is another thing we have to learn when we're starting to step into this, is that not everybody can be available for your meltdown at all times. And I know that's hard to understand, because you're available for everyone else's meltdowns at all times. But that is an unreasonable expectation of yourself and of them.

So, you know, one of the best things that I ever learned in the personal growth world was ask before dumping . Right? It's like, "Hi, I'm having a bad day. You have space? Here's what I need, okay? I need to just empty out. I need to complain and whine and whinge and have you just listen to me. I need to have a solution, but I need you to hear me first.

I need to, uh, you know, I, I need to be angry and vent, you know, and yeah." But you need to ask permission before doing that, because the person on the other end of the line may or may not have the bandwidth to receive it. And that could be because they're busy, they've got other people in their lives that they're dealing with right now, they're overdone themselves, and they've got no space, because that's happening a lot right now.

Why do we think we have all the Karens out there right now? Everybody's overdone. Everybody's burnt, right? So, you know, you have to ask before emptying, and this is why so many people-- this is why the therapists were overwhelmed during the, during COVID is because everybody was alone with themselves, and they couldn't run away and avoid their problems anymore, and suddenly they were like, "Uh, none of my friends have bandwidth.

I need to hire somebody to listen to me," right? And that's what happened with all the therapists going nuts is because, you know, there was no room for anything. So, you know, all of this and more, right? But let me tell you the benefits, okay? Here are the benefits. When you are open and vulnerable with people, they want to help you.

When you honor their boundaries by asking before dumping, they want to help you. When you are able to release those emotions by sharing them, you feel better. They've actually shown that when you cry, the tears of different types of crying have different properties So your tears when you're crying from joy are different than your tears from pain, are different than your tears from sadness, are different than your tears from grief.

The physical tears change in re- relation to the emotion being released. Interesting. Yeah. That's very interesting. Isn't it though? Yeah. So but m- they're literally leaving your body. The emotions are literally leaving your body through those tears. So, you know, these are the things that you get from doing this.

When you stop trying to be perfect and you let yourself be human and let people see that you're human, which feels vulnerable to us, then people feel closer to you because they're actually seeing the real you. We try to hide behind this mask of perfection, and then we're guaranteeing that the people who would like the real us never get to see us.

And so we hope that the people who like the part of us that is perfect might actually like the real us later if we let them in ever. And that's often not the case because you were lying about who you were, right? Right, and, and you're not being authentic and showing your, your, your, your true self, you know?

Take me as the good, bad, and the ugly. Right. And you get to be loved for who you are. We, uh, let's be clear here. Every person who had a moment in Bridget Jones's Diary where sh- where he says, "I love you just the way you are," you know, everybody was like, "what?" Okay? I'm telling you, there was a reason that line was so powerful is because we all have this, "Yeah, if you were X, Y, or Z" or if, you know, if you were taller, if you were thinner, if you were more m- more wealthy, if you were, you know, less of a bitch, if you were, you know, more receiving, if you were more appreciative, blah, blah, blah, blah, all of the if, if, if, conditional love, conditional love, conditional love bullshit.

Yeah. But wait. You, you wanna hear the best one I've, I've ever heard of? So and th- this was, um, I remember this from high school. So talk about being vulnerable. Two kids going on, on, you know, getting ready to go to, uh, high school dance, like homecoming or prom, insert dance here. And the girls do not wanna eat in front of the guys.

I said, "What are you talking about? He's bringing you to a restaurant." "Oh, yeah, but I just sit there and, and I, I don't eat. I let him eat." That's kinda defeats the purpose. I'm like, "What are you talking about?" So she was like, "I don't want him to see me chew with food in my mouth." I'm like, "Then close your mouth."

I just didn't understand this. I, I really didn't understand, but that, that's a thing. I didn't know that was a thing. That was a thing. That was a vulnerability. And then, uh, my other one was that I heard a friend of mine, uh, she was like, "What are you talking about? My husband's never seen me without makeup."

sband. That was actually in a: 1950

Was it really?

Well, there you go. She took it to heart. Yep. It appeared in a few movies of that era as well. Oh my gosh. Yeah, ladies, don't do that. Just, you know, a- a- as, you know, I, I got dragon breath in the morning. I wake up looking like the, you know, death warmed over. Just baby, here, this is what you married, you know?

And he loves every inch of it, you know. Y- you know you're a couple when you can kiss your husband in the morning before you brush your teeth. Mm-hmm. There you go. Goals. Or when he asks you to look at that odd bump on your butt, yeah. Yes. That, that's a real thing. Y'all- It is ... that's when he has seen you sick.

Talk about being vulnerable, especially for women, 'cause you know, we never get sick. We never get sick. We can do 20,000 things and be sick. We're not sick. It's fine. So but this, this is the thing, right? Is that we get to be seen and loved for who we are. That's really what vulnerability is about. And so, you know, from a spiritual perspective, if you are not being vulnerable w- with the people around you, if you're not being seen by the people around you, then you are setting up an expectation in your own energetic that says, "I don't deserve to be loved for who I am," and it says, "I don't feel...

I'm, I'm not safe with the people around me." And so those two things are huge assumptions that will build redundancies of those beliefs into your life over and over and over again. Those things will just repeat back. If you wanna know why you have crappy people in your life, check your assumptions, okay?

That's why they're showing up, is because they're reflecting your belief structure. When you refuse to accept that, and you change your belief that you do deserve to be loved for who you are, and your assumption that there are people in the world who will respect you in the way that you choose to be respected, and be safe for you, and support you, then you will change who you attract.

Be careful what you assume. It will run your life. There's your Kelleism for the day. All right. Well- I think this has been very fun to talk about. Yep. Um, a lot of different aspects and everything. There's so much better life waiting for you. It's just waiting for you. There's no reason for you to feel this stuck, this in pain, this anxious, this fearful, this worried, this waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know, this need to be perfect.

Y- there's no reason for you to have to do this. Let me help. Let us help. And, uh, just a, just a hint, you know, there's some special stuff coming up that if you're not on the mailing list, you're gonna miss out on. So, you know, you might wanna join the mailing list because I got some stuff coming up. The, some special stuff.

So super secret special stuff that only the mailing list is gonna hear about. So go onto the website, download anything off the website, and you'll end up on the mailing list. Um, or sign up for a discovery call, and you'll be on the mailing list too, so... All right. Well, I think that's gonna do it for us for this time.

Yep. Um, that's all that we have for this week, folks. So tune in next time when Kelle adds another chapter into your guide to energy, magic, and the spirit world. I'm Jules here with Kelle Sparta, and you have been listening to Spirit Sherpa. So long, y'all. Bye.